getting older, solitude and used to doing things alone
no, everything doesn't have to be a group project
It’s July and the first half of the year has certainly been something. It marks just over nine months in my flat and my second winter in Johannesburg. The winters here are dry, cold and sun-filled. I don’t think I can go back to grey skies for 2 weeks straight again. While the cold is unlike anything I’ve ever felt (think -3°C) the skies are blue, the sun shines and you can still do your washing.
Leo season is a couple weeks away and I’ve been in the midst of taking stock of the the past few months and what I want the rest of my year to look like. My birthday month is my Christmas, my joy and the time where I let loose. As I get older, all I want is to spend time with people I care about and have fun. I’ve seen multiple friends lose loved ones this year, or mark anniversaries of death for those who have passed. I wish we didn’t have to experience such a traumatising perspective shift, but once you have life seems like it needs to be lived different.
I’ll be honest, I haven’t done half as much as I wanted to when I set out this year in my mind. I haven’t moved my body as often as I should and my routines are not fully fleshed out as I’d like. But there have been small wins. I found my new doctor and did some tests to get insights on my current health. I’ve found a therapist and want to continue that as much as I possibly can. Trying to be healthy is expensive and I simply have not had the money to do this properly until now. But at least I’m doing it.
The main thing I’ve been trying to do is spend more time just letting my brain breathe. I think we’ve been so inundated with content, movies and shows that our brains are completely overwhelmed. Perhaps like me, you’ve felt anxious because you haven’t had a quiet space to let your mind wander and be bored in years. I try to wash dishes without a podcast. I try to do my chores without music and just have my brain get to the task at hand without any disruptions.
Getting older
Turning a little bit older tends to make you reflect, and sometimes that outcome can mean uncontrollable sad tears on your birthday or perhaps an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Or both. I am a glass half-full type of person, and for the most part I feel so blessed to be older. To see the beginning of wrinkles near my eyes and those of my loved ones. To know I have lived and will continue to enjoy my life abundantly. But your thirties also feel like when it’s time to really parse through all the nonsense, trauma and life experiences you’ve been dealt from your childhood until now. There’s no room to hide and if you do choose to ignore it, well good luck to ya. I think something that I’ve be asking myself is if I’ll care about this [thing, incident, person, life experience] when I’m 40. Chances are, I won’t even remember it.
Doing things alone
I’ve been single for a long long long time. I have watched friends get married, find partners, move homes and my life has been one of mostly solitude. It’s giving Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own. It’s not all that bad, as studies in the US have shown that the happiest subgroup of the population are single childless women. But you realise quickly that your friends have their own lives (and rightfully so) and if you want to experience things, it can’t always be a group project.
Living in a new-to-me city has really opened up experiences to me and a sense of curiosity. I love doing “errand days” with friends, with a loose plan of what we’ll do, some food and a beverage or three involved. But that’s not always possible to have and getting comfortable with solitude and doing what you want anyways has been a key point for me lately. I think my 20s felt like always having people around you. I had just come out of university and perhaps wanted to replicate that feeling of your community being nearby. Now it does feel like harder work but you’re a bit surer of yourself and allowing yourself to evolve into the person you’re becoming. I think the solitude helps me feel grateful for the times I have with loved ones, the moments I have with long distance friends or the way life feels better when you spend time with someone who has known for over a decade and more.
Things on my radar
Reading/watching/consuming dear milkfed by Caitlyn Richardson - this creator has a YouTube channel, a Substack and a Tiktok account with content I simply can’t get enough of.
Reading up on female artists and their work - I’ve been brushing up on my art knowledge. Nothing major, just learning more about the women who have made waves in the art world that aren’t just Frida Kahlo (love her, but still). I’ve been reading up on Surrealism - specifically the British-Mexican artist Leonora Carrington and Spanish-Mexican artist Remedios Varo, and their incredible friendship. The worlds they created feel like something out of a dream.
La llamada (The Call) by Remedios Varo
Finally, a little rebrand
You may have seen the change in the name of this newsletter. I love Hey it’s Alyx/heyalyx and will always have a special place in my heart for that username and era of my life. However, I’ve started going by my full name professionally and on some social platforms. I wanted this newsletter to be little more lighthearted. Deeply Unchic is just that, a little inside joke with my friends and a space to discuss life for me.
Thank you for reading, as always
x A